Answers about potty training, time-outs, toddler beds, etc.

Jenni over at The Foster Family asked a series of questions on her blog today that I decided to answer in a blog format due to the length my response was going to be...to answer these questions with your own experiences...please head over to The Foster Family and make a comment.

* When did or will you start potty training?   We decided to start potty training at 26 months. They were a little over 2 yrs old and it was a time when I planned to not have to leave the house for one week.  We had a talk with our girls letting them know that we were going to be making a transistion in to being a "big girl"...so when we decided that we were going to start potty training...all I did was put them in real "big girl" panties and let them know to tell me when they had to go.  Obviously they were going to have a couple of accidents but it was a very positive experience and they didn't like the feel of pee on their legs.  Within 24 hours, my girls were going on the potty during the day with a pullup at night.  It took them a little while to go #2 in the potty, which was fine.  They would go as soon as I put a pull up on them at night.  Then one day they just started going in the potty!  ***One REALLY important thing to remember is no matter how long it takes them to potty train...they can NEVER be in trouble for going in their panties.  It has to be a very positive experience or you can ruin them and they will have an issue until they are in their adolescence.  Every child will have a different potty training journey...just be patient!

Oh...and one more thing that we did that was very instrumental in helping our girls was I always kept a potty chair in the back of our Expedition.  With a large bottle of water to rinse out the potty chair, toss it out and go again.  This was so helpful because how can you expect a toddler that is learning to potty train to hold it.  I believe you confuse them if you put a diaper on them after they have started using "big girl" panties...so instead of doing that, we would pull over where ever we were and they could go in the back of the car.  There were some people that thought this was so rediculous, but all that mattered to me were my girls and that they were moving forward in potty training and not backwards.  This was a key component in that. 

* When did or will you move into toddler beds?  Prior to going to toddler beds we wanted to prepare the girls for when they were in toddler beds, so we decided to put the side of their crib down. This was an opportunity for them to be able to get out of bed and for them to know they weren't supposed to. This allowed us to be able to put the side back up if they were not listening. We did this as soon as they started potty training to indicate that they were now "big girls". We always told them that when they wake up in the morning with a dry pull up...this would mean that they were really big girls and that would be the day that we would put up their toddler beds. It actually happened when we were on vacation...so before we even unloaded the bags out of the car, we had their cribs taken out and their new "big girl" beds put up. It made them so proud of themselves because the transition of their bed was made possible because of their accomplishments with potty training. It made them feel like they really earned it.

* What types of activities do you do to entertain your toddler?  When my girls were toddlers, I was always busy. I was really big into the mother of mutiples groups, we had yahoo toddler playgroups in our area, there were mom's clubs I was a part of as well as looking into the community and finding out what things they had available for kids on a weekly basis...look up your local First 5 group for more info on that. My girls and I were either in a playgroup or on a fieldtrip every day. It was a blast! Not to mention crafts...my favorite website is www.familyfun.com and a lot of times you can get a free subscription to that magazine. Tons of ideas.

* When should we drop the sippy cup?  I was blessed to be able to breast feed my girls for the first year and a week. That was when they went to a sippy cup...never a bottle, just breast to sippy cup (I was proud of that lol). They were not on a sippy cup for too long...as soon as they demonstrated that they could put their cup down with it still standing up and be consistent with that. We started taking the lid off of those little cups and would put very very little water in it. We would let them get used to this and then add a little bit more at a time.  For the person that said..."Don't cry over spilled milk"...they obviously didn't have twins!!  Expect spills and many of them. :)

* How do you handle time outs?   We once went to a parenting seminar with the woman who wrote "Positive Discipline from A to Z" (which is a great book that I recommend by the way). What she said was that Time-Outs are considered very negative and almost make them feel bad about themselves. The idea of a time-out is good but the actual way that time-outs are done make them ashamed of themselves. My girls were very little when we saw this woman speak so as soon as we started "time-outs"...we called them (and still do) "taking a break"...it is not a negative thing. They are allowed to bring a book or a stuffed animal with them...basically the idea of it is just getting them out of the environment or situation they were in for a moment to gather their thoughts and then they are fine. The time of the break would be a minute per year they are old. When asking them to take a break, we would make sure they didn't feel bad about themselves...but that they knew why they were in it. How we did that was that the break wasn't over until they came and talked to mom or dad (depending on who asked them to take a break). What I would do is ask them...why did you have to take a break? They would most of the time know but sometimes they would not know. I wanted them to know what they did that was causing them to have to take a break. Then I would say to them, what could you have done differently...and we would discuss other alternatives that might have solved the problem without them being in trouble. They are now 6 almost 7 years old and we still do this same practice and always have.

One more thing... is that we have them apologize to each other when they did something to the other that they did on purpose. After one of them apologizes, the other one will always say I forgive you. In the event that they did something by accident, saying "i'm sorry" would be fine...but when they do things on purpose, we want them to acknowledge what they did, what they could have done different and then apologize for it. Whoever they apologize to...always tells them I forgive you and then we hug.

These are just my suggestions and what have worked for me with my girls...it may not work for you.

Parenting Advice...seeking your help!

So this blog I am actually reaching out to all of you moms out there and hoping that you will be able to offer some advice.

I have identical twin girls that are 6 1/2 years old.  They are such good girls and we are so proud of them.  Recently, I have noticed that any time they are given "free range" where they are not being watched like a hawk, they seem to be making bad decisions.  They do the things that they have been asked NOT to do over and over again.  When asked why they decided to do that, they will say..."well mom, we really wanted to.  We didn't want to listen to what you said."  I appreciate the honesty, but how am I ever supposed to be able to trust them to do the right things when given the opportunity.

For example, yesterday my husband washed my car and it was sparkling clean.  This morning the girls wanted to go down in the garage and play with our kitties.  We didn't see any reason why they couldn't.  Is there stuff down there that they shouldn't play with, of course, but we trusted them to stay away from it.

I just got in my car to run to the store and noticed that there were finger prints all over my driver side window...a little odd considering the car was just washed.  Coming back from the store with the headlights shining in my windshield, I noticed that I have a TON of little hands all over my window...THEY WERE ON TOP OF MY CAR!! 

I am totally blown away.  I was given a lot of freedom at their age and can honestly say that I NEVER climbed on my mom and dads car. 

So I am going out on a limb here and asking for help.  Please, please leave a comment on what you think we should or should not do.  Things that have worked or have not worked for you.  Sometimes, it better to learn by others mistakes than their successes...so anything you have to add is greatly appreciated!

From one mom to another, I thank you in advance for your help!

When they think she's her sister....

Another lesson in the life of twins today...

My girls are 6 years old and they are in different classes in 1st grade.  There are many days that they WANT to dress alike.  Every morning when I am getting them ready for school I will ask them if they want to dress alike or different and around 80% of the time they want to dress alike.

Well, needless to say there are many kids in their classes that know that they have an identical twin sister but truly wouldn't know who was who in the hallway.  Today, as usual, they were dressed alike.  It actually doesn't even matter, they can get to school and walk each other to their classes and their friends try to figure out which one is in their class.  I think it is fun for them to guess so that they make an effort and unfortunately, no one has gotten them right yet...including their teachers. :)

This is where the story begins.  When I was picking the girls up from school today, Erynn was walking toward me and we were going to walk over and get Emilie.  A little boy from Em's class (who is usually really shy) said, "Hi Emilie" to Erynn.  And I wasn't sure if Erynn actually said hi, it appeared that she didn't.  My heart instantly hurt for that little boy that he got enough courage to say hi to Em and then thinks she didn't even say hi back.

So I had to have a talk with my girls...and I said, this is something that is going to happen for the rest of your life.  There will be way more people that can't tell you apart than that can.  So when you are walking through the school...through the store...wherever you are and someone says hi to you and thinks you are your sister, just say hi.  Why?  Because they are going to think that your sister is being rude if you don't.  Now there will be those that really think that you are the other one and it is at that point that I would let them know that they must think that you are your identical twin sister and then let them know that you are not.  Otherwise, it is going to be easier for both of you through life just to say hi to those that say hi in casual passing. :)

What an interesting concept to have to explain to my 6 yr olds.  They totally understood and Erynn actually let me know that she did say hi to that nice boy when he thought she was her sister.  Phew...thank goodness!

Where did my insight come from???  My sister (who is 11 months older than me) married an identical twin...and I ask them a lot of questions about growing up.  Here they are 39 years old, still look exactly alike, sound exactly alike and even though they live an hour and a half away...they own a business together, work together every single day, play together on the weekends, have the same hobbies, buy the same trucks, motorhomes, baja cars...you name it.  And to this day, they still say hi to those that in passing think they are their brother...it just makes life easier I guess.

Aloha Friday...Parenting Advice

In Hawaii, Aloha Friday is the day that we take it easy and look forward to the weekend. So I thought that on Fridays I would take it easy on posting, too. Therefore, I’ll ask a simple question for you to answer below as a comment. Nothing that requires a lengthy response. Click above button to get more info.

Here is my question this week:

What was your favorite parenting advice?

I actually have a couple of things that I live by and try to give as my parenting advice when asked.

• Never EVER let your child think you are mad at them.  For example, don't ever use he term, "Mommy is so angry, mad, upset or disappointed at you."  You don't ever want your child to feel like you are mad at THEM.  It's fine to be angry, mad, upset and/or disappointed at what they DID, but not at them.  So you would let them know, "Mommy is upset at the choice that was made, not at you!"  It's important that they know you would NEVER be mad at them and that they should never be mad at themselves!

• Have them look in the mirror from a very young age...look right at themselve and tell themselves they love themself.  For example..."I love you Kandi." to myself.  It's hard for many adults to do this but the best gift we can give our kids...#1 is your relationship with your spouse #2 the gift for them to love themselves.
  

• Epressing emotion...there are so many times that we tell our kids to stop crying, stop pouting, stop any kind of behavior that we feel is unnecessary.  To express emotion is so healthy for them and they have to know that it's ok.  It's actually good to talk to them about what they're feeling.  Explain to them what that emotion is so they don't feel bad about themselves when they want to cry or be sad.  What I tell my girls when they are crying whether its for a good reason or not..."Crying is really healthy, but I don't want to hear it so if you would like to cry you are welcome to do that in your bedroom."  That way we are not trying to keep them from expressing emotions...just asking them to do it in their bedroom and when they are all done, they are welcome to join us again.
  

• Never say Bad boy or Bad girl to them.  Maybe what they did was bad but you don't ever want to make them feel bad about themselves.
  
  
  
• Live in the  now...when they have done something that has upset you...don't say you ALWAYS do this or you can't EVER do anything right.  Talk about what happened that day... for example, "We had a rough morning today.  You were not listening...let's work harder on that tomorrow."  Or instead of, "You always talk horrible to me."  Deal in the now..."I don't appreciate the way you were talking to me today."  That way they don't feel like they are a lost cause...fixing one day is a lot easier than fixing something they ALWAYS do!
  
  
  
• Whenever your child is doing something that is DRIVING YOU CRAZY...look in the mirror.  They are mirror images of us.  Sometimes they are doing things that we, ourselves don't even realize we do.  There are many times that my girls do something that I wonder, where in the world did that come from?  Most people would just think of it as a phase...I look in the mirror and figure out what I'm doing that is causing that behavior.  They will duplicate what we do so don't expect to tell them not to do something that you do all the time.  You have to be the example you want to set for your kids!   An example of this...I have a friend whose daughter talks HORRIBLE to her.  She is always just appalled at the way her daughter addresses and treats her.  The problem is...she has never looked in the mirror to see how she talks to her daughter.  From an outside view...the daughter is a spitting image of her mom and talks to and treats her mom the same way her mom treats her.  If you want the behavior to change in your child...you have to first be willing to change it in yourself.
  
  
  
• And last but not least for today...this is a tough one that I struggle with every day...NO EMOTION!  If you can just practice no emotion when they come home and tell you something...just listen and don't offer your advice unless they are asking for it.  As hard as that is, right then is not the appropriate time to get them in to a huge lecture.  They'll never talk to you again.  Be thankful that they are talking to you and just listen.  If they want your advice...I promise they'll ask and then it will be welcome whatever you say.  Or No Emotion when they do something that makes you angry.  Again...hard to be but often times they are only doing it to get that rise out of you.  If you didn't react and just dealt with the problem, you would find those times getting less and less.
  
  
  

I hope that one of this little things helped you in your #1 job in life...parenting!  There is truly nothing more important that we could be good at than being good parents.  We are responsible for what this world is going to become!

Have a great Friday!